Sensuous

12 March — Friday

Went to another of the Barrow Street concerts tonight. Thought the man with the beard might be there. I wonder if I did or didn’t hope he would try to pick me up.

Moot point. He wasn’t there.

An all-Chopin program tonight. A female pianist, very attractive.

Attractive to me?

Jennifer has always been bisexual, although sometimes she has to be forced into it. I know I get hot reading lesbian scenes in books, and would like to watch two of them together sometime.

I’ve often thought I could relax with a girl as I cannot with a man. Worried about being gay, a lesbian. I don’t honestly think I am. Or could be. I don’t honestly think I could shed with a girl any of the inhibitions and reserve I cannot shed with men.

I have no friends, male or female. And have never had a close friend of either sex. If my withdrawal was just from men I might believe it of myself, but it has been from men and women equally. I keep myself a secret from both, and feel as uncomfortable with either.

The bisexual voyeur. Attracted to both sexes, attracted to anything sexual, and desiring only to watch.

I would find myself less impossible to believe if I encountered myself in a psychiatrist’s casebook than I do facing myself in real life.

Real life?

Whatever the hell that means.