Sensuous

9 June — Wednesday

“You never call me Arnie.”

“I know.”

“How come?”

“I guess I don’t think of you as Arnie. I think of you as Arnold.”

“Do you?”

“Yes. But I even have trouble calling you that. I guess because of calling you Mr. K. in the office, and it’s hard to change after hours.”

“I’ve never had trouble calling you Arlene. Oh, but then I call you that in the office, I call all the girls by their first names, I always did. You’re the first one I ever dated.”

“The first girl?”

“Nope. First one from the office. Well, wait a minute, that’s not the exact truth. A couple of times over the years before you came to work for us I would take a girl out and give her a tumble. I think it happened maybe three times all told, three different girls that I was with one time each.”

“You never saw them again?”

“Let them go. A big bonus and a beautiful reference so there was never any hard feelings, and an explanation that I wasn’t a cheater and didn’t want to get involved and it would be better for all concerned if we weren’t around each other any more. Which it was, better for both of us, all parties, I mean. Those three times were each a case of breaking a personal rule of mine. Not that I would eat my heart out because rules are made to be broken, but I decided in the first place never to have anything to do with anyone who worked for me. You were afraid of that, weren’t you? Remember you wouldn’t go out with me?”

“I remember.”

“And all I wanted was an ear to pour my troubles into. But you were afraid of losing your job.”

“It wasn’t that so much.”

“Then what? Getting involved?”

“Yes.”

“And what are we now? Answer that for me, Arlene. Are we involved?”

“I don’t know.”

“Lots of girls I’ve been to bed with, and the closest I ever came with you is a couple of kisses in the front seat of a car. And here I am feeling closer to you than I ever felt to anybody else. The girl I used to see, damn near living with her on week nights, and I never felt the closeness with her that I feel with you, and here we’re not sleeping together and what’s more I’m not trying to get us to sleep together, and you figure it out because I’ll tell you something, I can’t. Am I involved with you? Are you involved with me, Arlene?”

“Maybe we should change the subject.”

“Maybe we should. Arnold. I’m trying to think who was it used to call me Arnold. Nobody in more years than I can remember. That’s some name, Arnold.”

“Don’t you like it?”

“Hate it. As long as I can remember I hated it. Not that Arnie is such a blessing. Arnold Karlman. Arnie Karlman. That’s some sensational name to hang on a kid.”

“What would you like it to be?”

“What would I like what to be?”

“Your name.”

“That’s a hell of a question. What am I, an actor with a stage name? I’m Arnie Karlman. I’ll tell you something, that’s a funny question. That’s really a hell of a question.”

“I didn’t mean—”

“No, no, no. You want to know why it’s a hell of a question? Listen, I’ll tell you something I never told anyone before in my life. Though come to think of it, I’m always telling you things I never told anyone before in my life, so what’s the big deal now?”

“You don’t have to tell me anything.”

“So what am I saving this bit of precious information for? No, I want to tell you. I used to think — Jesus, this is a thought I’m sure I haven’t had in ten years. Maybe twice that length of time, I don’t know. I used to think what I would change my name to.”

“Did you have a name picked out?”

“Yeah, but you’ll laugh. No, I know you won’t laugh, you wouldn’t laugh. You got to understand it wasn’t that I was planning to change my name. This is something that never occurred to me. But it was a case of picking a name that I would like my name to be if I changed it, which I didn’t intend to. Which is why your question knocks me out, what I would like my name to be.”

“Tell me.”

“Jesus, but I feel so silly. When was the last time I even remembered having this thought? Well, not to keep you in suspense. Jeff Stern.”

“Jeff?”

“Jeffrey Stern, but I would never use the full name. Just Jeff Stern. Jeff is sort of light and airy, not bulky and cramped like Arnold. And Stern, I figured I would want a name that was obviously Jewish but one that had strength to it, a shtarkeh name. In fact I even thought of Stark which is a sort of a Jewish name but one that Jews changed their names to from something else, so I didn’t want it for that reason. But Stern I like, Jeff Stern, and how come you’re not laughing your head off at that one?”

“Why would I laugh?”

“Who wouldn’t laugh when a man comes right out and tells you what a jackass he is deep down inside?”

“I don’t think you’re anything of the sort. I like the name.”

“You do?”

“Jeff Stern. Jeff. Jeff Stern. Yes, I think I like it very much.”

Jeff Stern.

Extraordinary, all of it. Jeff Stern and Jennifer Starr. Just beyond belief.

Ached to tell him my secret name. Really wanted to tell him. Not to tell him anything about Jennifer, just that it was my secret name for myself.

Couldn’t, though.