Sensuous

31 March — Wednesday

I don’t know exactly what went wrong yesterday. Nothing actually happened. I was evidently reacting to what Mr. K. told me. Both yesterday and today he acted as if nothing whatsoever had happened. I felt that he was uncomfortable around me but had no evidence for the feeling.

Projection — because I was uncomfortable in his presence, and assumed it worked both ways.

Not afraid he’ll fire me. Not even afraid he’ll want to fire me.

I guess I’m afraid he’ll want me to go on being his shoulder to cry on.

Would that be so bad? In a way, yes, it would. I don’t want other people and their problems. I really don’t want all of this, and yet already I feel an obligation to listen to him if he wants to talk. He was so appreciative Monday night, kept telling me over and over again how much help I was to him by just being there.

And all I did was be there. Hardly said a word, just nodded in the right places.

I might as well put down what scares me.

I am afraid he is going to decide that he is in love with me.

He’s looking for something and I have the feeling he’ll make the mistake of thinking I’m what he’s looking for. And if that happened I don’t know what I would do. The one thing I’m positive of is that I would be very unhappy about it, and very upset.

I don’t know what he should do. Go to a psychiatrist? That keeps occurring to me. Would it do him any good? I don’t know. I’m no one to talk — I probably ought to go to a psychiatrist myself. Probably? Definitely. But I don’t want to go and I won’t.

I don’t want to be a psychiatrist, either.

Drinking was a mistake last night. Made things worse and kept me from getting any of it out at the typewriter. Today was better. I was more relaxed at the office and feel now that the situation with Mr. K. won’t be as much of a problem as I thought last night. I can probably handle him if he decides he loves me. And if I can’t, it will be easy enough to find some place else to work.

Oh, hell. I should have left for Bill’s five minutes ago and I want to change my clothes.

I’ll wear the hot pants.