Sensuous

7 April — Wednesday

Shit. Called Bill last night and told him I couldn’t make it today. What a stupid fucking thing to do. I can’t understand why I did it.

I know why I did it. Generally depressed, reactions to that crap in the Times. Self-conscious about the diary and then self-conscious about everything, everything in the world, and convinced I wouldn’t want to see him tonight. But why in hell couldn’t I keep my options open? Could have waited until this afternoon to see if I still felt the same way.

And of course I didn’t. Woke up this morning regretting that phone call and wanted to call him this afternoon and tell him I didn’t have to go to a bridal shower after all, but how? Tell him the engaged couple broke up? So I didn’t call, and it’s now just about the time I would ordinarily be leaving for his place, and I’m sitting here calling myself bad names and meaning every word of it.

Shit!