Sensuous

27 April — Tuesday

I was thinking about Mr. K. all day today.

Nothing happened. He talked to me and had something going on in his voice, but no reference to dinner last night and no personal touch in anything.

It came to me that it would be interesting if I could merely push a button and the act of pushing it would have Mr. Karlman knowing all there is to know about me. The knowledge would merely leap into his brain. Telepathy, and in a total way; he would not find out about me as much as he would suddenly possess knowledge of me.

Why does this fantasy appeal?

I remember the old ethical question — suppose you were confronted with a similar button, and if you pushed it fifty thousand strangers in China would die painlessly, whereupon you would get a million dollars. Would you push it?

I wouldn’t. Because I don’t want a million dollars and wouldn’t know what to do with it if I had it. But editing the question and designing it for me, it becomes trickier.

Push the button and the Chinese strangers die and you, the button pusher, get whatever it is that you want.

Let’s put it that way. And let’s leave out the corollary question of What do you want, bitch?

Would I push the button?

I don’t know. Nobody can answer the question because nobody knows, do they? I am reminded now of two curses, and I think they are Chinese curses but I’m not sure.

(1) May you live in interesting times.

(2) May you get what you want.

I live in interesting times. Lord, do I ever live in interesting times.

I don’t know, though, if I’m getting what I want.

Why did I get into this? To get away from Mr. K. and that other hypothetical button. I guess if he knew everything about me then I could have an affair with him, if he wanted one. But there is no such button, which saves me just as the other non-button saves the fifty thousand Chinese. And I could no more tell Mr. K. about the real me than I could go over to China and slit fifty thousand throats with a pen knife.

I must call Bill and confirm our usual date for tomorrow night.