Sensuous

26 March — Friday

I went shopping on my lunch hour and spent most of my paycheck on clothes.

I was sitting at my desk this morning trying to decide what to wear tomorrow. I began to feel a little apprehensive at the thought of meeting those two tomorrow night. The whole idea of meeting at the cafe and having Maureen give me a once-over, and if she likes what she sees she can have Wayne give me a once-over. Makes me feel like merchandise on display, which is irritating, but also makes me feel as though the merchandise has to be displayed to best advantage.

Went through my wardrobe mentally and decided nothing was really that exciting. And nothing is. I have just never been an exciting dresser. I automatically pick blah clothes. As if I want to make sure I don’t stand out.

(Though something must show now in my face or my walk or something. I always used to slouch. I began to get over this in college but never quite stood right, I don’t think, and maybe my posture is better now or maybe it’s something in my face, but whatever it is, men are looking at me more frequently on the street. It can’t all be my imagination, or my noticing things I haven’t noticed before. I just must be prettier than I used to be. What a good feeling that is, the feeling that one is getting prettier. That one is becoming a more attractive person.)

Never occurred to me to dress for Bill. To dress especially for Bill. Because he made it so obvious he would take me as I am, I guess.

Also the idea that it’s Maureen who will see me first. And women judge you that way more than men do.

Went to a few of the Village boutiques. Cashed my paycheck at the bank and spent almost all of it on two skirt and top outfits and a one-piece hot pants and top. I never would have bought anything like them before. Short skirts, hot pants, bold colors, sharp patterns — not my kind of thing at all.

Couldn’t wait to get home and try them on again. Tried them all on and struck poses in front of the mirror. Took the last of them off and struck nude poses in front of the mirror. And stood there giggling inanely.

I think I’ll go to a beauty parlor tomorrow afternoon. I like my hair the way it is but I can get a wash-and-set. Shouldn’t cost much. I’ve got enough in the bank to cover the rent easily enough.

Funny thought — no sooner do I think about saving money for furniture than I wipe out the savings in advance buying clothes.

Of course I won’t wear any of the new outfits to the office.

The concert tonight? I have time. I think I’ll go, but be just as happy not meeting anyone. In fact I don’t want to meet anyone, or at least I think I don’t. You know what it is? I want to think to myself that I’m looking to meet someone, but I also hope nothing happens.

What to wear? Not the hot pants. Maybe I’ll wear the hot pants tomorrow night. Tonight — I don’t know. I think my old blue A-line will do. No point in rushing things, is there?