A Song for Us

Chapter Fourteen

SARAH

I’D SPENT THE last hour in bed feeling as if I had been kicked in the head by a horse. I have no idea what time Derek had come back to the room, but he was by my side when I woke. I blinked my eyes open and saw his staring back at me, concern on his face.

“What?” I asked, trying not to sound upset.

“What happened?”

“Nothing.” I shrugged as I looped my hand in his.

“You trashed the room, killed the minibar, and the stove was on.”

I closed my eyes, knowing that no excuses could make me sound sane in this situation. Part of me wanted to ask him why he cared. Why now? But I bit my tongue because I craved this side of him more than anything else.

“I was upset.”

“Then we will make it better.” He pulled my hand to his lips and kissed the back of it gently. “Take a shower. It will help.”

I gave him a small smile as I slipped out of bed and into the bathroom. As soon as my eyes locked on my phone, I could feel the panic spread from my chest. I picked it up and scrolled through the messages I had sent to E last night before I passed out.

I need you right now.

I can’t do this anymore.

Please . . . I’m not a free . . .

I shut the phone, unable to read the rest. Derek must have seen them. His clothes from last night were on the floor. I turned on the water to the shower, holding my breath as a few tears slid down my cheeks. After a minute I heard the door to the hotel hallway open and close quietly. I knew he was going to talk to E, and any hope I had of saving my friendship was gone.

I slid off my underwear and stepped into the scalding-hot water. I had fucked up things beyond repair last night. There was no going back with E, and now Derek was going to make sure of it. I dipped my head into the stream of water and held my breath as it washed over my face.

I grabbed a washrag and lathered it with soap before scrubbing hard over my skin. I wanted to erase the night, erase the scars, erase my past.

I stood under the spray until my skin pruned and my body shivered uncontrollably as I got out and wrapped a towel around myself.

Derek was sitting on the bed, his elbows on his knees and his head hanging as I stepped out. He looked up at me, and instead of being angry, he smiled. “I didn’t think you were ever getting out.” The unusual cheerfulness to his tone made me uncomfortable, as if he were deliberately ignoring my pain, or laughing in the face of it. “Get dressed. We have dinner with Tucker and Cass today. I know you don’t want to miss that.”

I couldn’t help but make a face. E would be at a dinner with Tucker. I stepped farther into the bedroom space and sank down to dig around my bag for something to wear. I decided on a pair of jeans and a formfitting T-shirt. I glanced back at Derek over my shoulder; he was watching me intently.

I stood with my back to him as I dropped my towel and pulled on a pair of underwear.

Derek laughed to himself as I continued to get dressed, and I was scared to even ask him what was on his mind. He didn’t leave me to guess.

“If you had messaged me, I would have been here, babe.”

I froze with my pants midway up my thighs.

“Really. No need to bug E while he’s getting it on with Donna.”

I pulled my pants up slowly, glad I was not facing him so he could get the satisfaction of my reaction.

“I didn’t realize he was.” I hated that my voice wavered.

“They are dating. Don’t worry. He wasn’t that pissed. I smoothed it over.”

I pulled my shirt over my head and turned to face Derek as I grabbed my wet hair and freed it from the collar of my shirt. I gave him my best fake smile that I showed everyone else. “Thank you. I can be stupid when I drink.”

“It’s fine, babe. He understood.”

I cringed inwardly at the thought of Derek’s talking to E about me. And the thought of him with Donna while I was texting him last night . . . suddenly I felt nauseous again.

“Where’s the dinner?” I examined the burn on my fingertip, which was now pink and swollen, but hadn’t blistered.

“Have to ask the twins. I haven’t heard from him. I just know afterwards we’re gonna hit the strip club to make up for him not having a bachelor party.”

I dug through my bag and grabbed my hairbrush, running it through my hair absentmindedly as I thought about how badly I had broken down last night. I hadn’t had that happen for a long time, and I felt that I was starting to slip back into the person I used to be. At least today I could pull Cass aside and have someone to talk to. I needed to vent, to sort out what I was feeling.

If I had not passed out last night, I would have hurt myself. It wasn’t a matter of if but when.

“We can skip the dinner if you want.”

I sighed as my heart sank. “No. It’s fine,” I lied, dropping my brush in my bag.

His arms wrapped around my waist from behind and his lips pressed against my neck. “Is it?”

I could only nod.

He spun me around to face him, his eyes searching mine for the truth. He sighed, his shoulders sagging. “We can just leave. My brother’s been bugging me to come see him in Texas.”

“I want to stay. I want to see Cass.”

He nodded, pushing the wet hair from my face. “Maybe afterward. I think it would be good for us to get away from all of this.”

“Yeah . . . maybe.”

He pulled me against his chest and I wrapped my arms around his neck. Spending some time alone with Derek and away from the partying was exactly what we needed. When things aren’t this hectic, we actually enjoy each other’s company. I missed that. Missed us.

“I’m gonna run through the shower and get ready.”

I reluctantly let go of him as he disappeared into the bathroom. I sank down on the bed and dropped my head in my hands. How had everything gotten so fucked-up in such a short time?

I needed to get it out before it consumed me. I found my old, tattered notebook and sat down at the small desk at the foot of the bed.

The flames lick at my fingertips as I’m drawn to the fire,

I want to run but I’m consumed by the overwhelming desire,

To let you in and break apart these walls,

That contain me, don’t blame me, I’m trying not to fall,

But it hurts to ignore it and it hurts to lie,

By myself in this bed when I’m starting to cry.

My mind was racing as I tried to get everything out that I had been keeping in so long. It was like therapy to me, and as I confessed my pain, I was confessing something else as well, but I was too scared to admit it.

“You’re writing.”

I turned around to see Derek running his hand through his long, dark hair, a towel slung low on his hips. My eyes danced over his tattoos and the bare spot on his chest. It was a perfect representation of how empty his heart was.

“Just jotting down some lyrics. We could use some new material for the next tour.”

He nodded as he gathered some clothes from the floor.

“I’m sorry.” I was apologizing for the mess I had made. The mess of my life.

“Me, too.” He tossed his towel on the bed and I turned around to stare at the paper in front of me.