A Song for Us

Chapter Thirty-Seven

ERIC

ERIC WALKER, LET’S go.” The guard unlocked the gate to my cell and took a step back. I nodded to him as I walked through, feeling the pressure in my chest ease slightly. “Time for your arraignment.”

I followed behind the guard as we made our way to the small courthouse that was in the same building as the little jail. I didn’t care what the judge had to say. I had given up years ago and was just living on borrowed time. That was more clear to me now than ever.

It was nice getting out of the cramped space, and I hoped I wouldn’t have to spend much more time in there without knowing how Sarah was doing.

I had been thinking about the moment when I could see her again and if I should. What I had done was selfish, but I had never meant to hurt her. I only wanted to make her happy. The look on Donna’s face as they placed me in handcuffs also haunted my memories.

I’d managed to kill two birds with one stone.

I BARELY REGISTERED anything the judge said. All I could think about was Sarah. No one would tell me anything and I was dying with each passing second, not knowing if she was safe. I was ordered to do community service, and since Derek declined to press charges, the punishment was just a slap on the wrist. I guess I was lucky, but a part of me had almost wanted them to lay the hammer down, to make me pay for all that I’d done. To everyone.

I was taken back to the small holding cell as the paperwork was processed, and I would soon get to walk. My skin was beginning to crawl with anticipation and fear. I didn’t know where I would go from here.

I didn’t know what to expect when the guard opened the gate and motioned for me to exit the cell. He led me down a narrow corridor and through several sets of doors. Donna stood on the other side, and I wanted to wrap my arms around her. It was so good to see a familiar face. She smiled sadly and looked to the guard before her gaze dropped to her hands.

“I took care of what I could for you.”

I took a step forward but she held up a hand to stop me as she inhaled audibly. “I know why you did it.”

“He deserved it after what he did to her.” I closed my eyes as I struggled not to let my anger show.

Donna shook her head. “You can’t blame yourself for her choices. She knew what kind of person he was and she chose to deny it. You can’t save her from herself, E. She needs to do that herself.” Donna’s eyes locked on mine. She was sad but confident in her words. “I didn’t tell you about my past to make you feel guilty. I told you because you were my friend and I cared about you.”

“Were?”

“I will always care about you, E. More than you will ever know. But I won’t be second choice.”

“I choose you.”

She laughed quietly as her teeth dragged over her lower lip. “You know what I love about you? You try so hard to fight against everything inside of you and to do the right thing, but you can’t change what is in your heart. It was always her for you and it didn’t matter who or what stood in the way of that.” Donna’s face was somber now.

“There was a time you told me that you loved everything about me.”

“Yeah . . .” She stared down at her shoes.

I nodded and ran my hand through my hair. I was completely alone now, but it was for the best. I wouldn’t hurt anyone else.

“Is she . . .” I couldn’t even say the words. I was a coward. If I was responsible for her death, I couldn’t go on.

“She is going to be okay. She is getting the help she needs. It seems she was given the pills by some stranger on the street.” Donna raised her eyebrows, knowing damn well the pills were mine.

I nodded, unable to look her in the eye. I knew I shouldn’t be asking her about Sarah, and I knew that all of this was my fault. I could have gone to a doctor to refill my prescription, but our schedule never kept me in one place long enough to keep an appointment, and I didn’t like reliving my past with each new doctor I saw.

“They are keeping her for a few days just to make sure she is okay. They contacted her family and they are coming to take care of her.”

“Her family? No. She can’t see them.” I felt as if I were going to be sick.

“It’s too late.”

“What happens now?” I hung my head as the sharp, familiar pain of one of my headaches took over, but I didn’t want any relief. I deserved to suffer.

“I’m going to go back home and work out some of my own problems. It’s time to stop running away.” Her eyes danced over me one last time before she turned and pushed through the door behind her.

“Let’s go. We need to outprocess and then you will be free to go.”

I PUSHED OUT of the front door, the sunlight blinding me as I walked toward the curb on the other side of the parking lot. A bus ran every half hour. The air was warm and pleasant. Under any other circumstance I would have been smiling, but as the bus pulled up in front of me, I couldn’t find a reason to smile.

I stepped inside and paid the fair before taking an empty seat near the back. I stared out of the window as we pulled away from the curb. I thought it would feel good to be free again, but I would never truly be free. I was carrying the weight of my past on my shoulders and I was tired.

I needed to do something to make all of this right. I could never make it up to my brother, but with Sarah I still had a chance.

I rode the bus north until it didn’t go any farther. I got out, glancing around the unfamiliar street.

“Can you tell me where the closest hospital is?” I asked an elderly woman who sat on the bench in front of me, waiting for the next bus to come.