A Song for Us

Chapter Twenty-Four

SARAH

WE RUSHED BACK to the hotel so we could get ready for the festival. I was excited to dress up in some of my concert gear, which I’d had packed away for days. I pulled on a black minidress with strappy sandals, knowing that heels would kill me in the field all night.

It was still hot so I didn’t pile on the makeup and just used a little mascara. It was easier to hide behind a gallon of eyeliner and shadow, but I knew E could see through it all anyway.

Before pulling on a black T-shirt that matched his jeans, Derek eyed me up and down. “You look hot.”

“Thanks.” I ran my fingers through my hair as I watched him put on his leather wrist cuffs. “You want me to let everyone know we’re ready?”

He nodded as he searched for his black boots.

I tried not to look too eager as I hurried from the room and made my way to E’s door. I knocked quickly as I stared down the hall to make sure Derek hadn’t come out.

As soon as E answered, his arm looped around my waist and pulled me in and against his body as I melted into him.

“We can’t do this,” I panted as my eyes fell closed. It was too painful to look at his perfect face and tell him no.

“Friends hug,” he whispered into my ear, and I shivered. But by now, we were in too deep. We both knew it was more.

He pulled back to look me in the eye before he pressed his lips to my forehead and nodded. We slipped into the hall and I sighed with relief that no one had come out of his or her room yet.

I went to Donna’s door and E went to the twins’. We smiled stupidly at each other as we waited for them to answer. Derek came out and snuck up behind me, pressing himself against my back. E’s face went hard and he turned to look ahead. Thankfully, the twins answered and he went inside their room. Donna called out that she was coming, and a few seconds later her door popped open as she fastened an earring in her ear.

“You look great.” She smiled at me approvingly.

“Thanks. You, too,” I said, looking over her jean skirt and off-the-shoulder black blouse.

“Can we talk?”

“About?” I had the sudden urge to flee the room. The last person I wanted to have a talk with was the girlfriend of the guy I was secretly falling for.

“I know you and E are close, and I am probably the last person you want bringing this up to you, but it is no secret that he cares about you.”

“We are just friends.” Saying that out loud was physically painful, but I wasn’t about to lay all of my secrets on the table for E’s girlfriend.

She studied me for a minute and sighed loudly. “He’s a good guy that I care about a lot. I don’t want to see him hurt.”

That was the last thing I wanted as well. The thought of hurting E or Derek killed me inside, and I knew it was inevitable. If now Donna was bringing it up, I knew I would soon have to decide what I was going to do.

She held my gaze for another moment before glancing away as the guys approached. “Tuck just called. He got us a limo for the event. Tickets are waiting at the gate.” She slipped on one of her sandals, trying to balance on one foot.

E slipped in beside us and I didn’t miss the brush of his fingers along my hip. He stood next to Donna, letting her hold his arm while she slid on her other shoe.

“This should be fun,” I said, trying to sound cheery.

I WASN’T A fan of long car rides, but if I had to choose, I would ride in a limo everywhere I go. We toasted to friendship, to music, and to every other excuse we could find to have another drink. Forty-five minutes in, the music was blaring and the guys were drunkenly singing along.

I forced myself not to stare at E when his voice reminded me of his singing with me last night.

I closed my eyes and blocked out all of the other voices so I could focus only on him.

“You all right?” Derek bumped his shoulder against mine, and the pain from my bruise caused my eyes to shoot open.

E leaned forward as if he wanted to say or do something to comfort me, but his body froze as Derek’s arm went around me.

“What’s wrong?” Derek pressed his forehead against mine and I shrugged, hating myself for making E watch this.

“We’re here,” Chris yelled, and everyone cheered. Everyone except E and me. His eyes just focused on the glass in his hand.

We filed out of the car and made our way to the ticket office set up on the corner of the field where we needed to pick up our tickets. The ground was soft from recent rain, and I frowned as I thought about ruining my shoes. I glanced up at the sky, which was covered in feathery, white clouds, but it didn’t look as if rain was a threat today. The place was chaos as fans swarmed the gates and heavy rock music played in the distance. Women wore next to nothing or were drowning in tie-dye T-shirts. The crowd was incredibly diverse given that some of the bands were older and from a time when rock had a political message, and other bands were just starting out and their focus had more of a darker tone.

The smell of fried food intermingled with pot filled the air, and I briefly wondered if the promoters looked the other way at people’s smoking marijuana, just to sell more food. Groupies clung to anyone who was covered in tats, and a few feet away someone was strumming a guitar as a group of people, sitting in a circle around him, sang along. It reminded me of when I went to vacation Bible school when I was nine and we all sang hymns as the pastor played the guitar. Even then, I enjoyed it so much I wanted to go to church every day just so I could sing. Funny how life changes in the blink of an eye.

I got lost in thought as I watched a woman spinning slowly, her arms out to her sides and face to the sky. She was smiling as she danced in her bare feet to a rhythm of her own. The crowd grew louder to my left, pulling me from my thoughts. An old school bus hand-painted with messages of peace and love had just emptied out, and its passengers were making their way toward the gates. They smelled like stale beer and sweat. Luckily, we were escorted through a private entrance after Donna spoke to someone in charge.

The swarm of people was unbelievable, and we had to fight our way to get anywhere, but the crowd was mostly peaceful because the sun had yet to set. As they say, the freaks come out at night. This was especially true in the rock-and-roll world. Something about the music just made people go wild. Trash already littered the ground, and in typical rock-and-roll fashion, a few arguments had already broken out, and several women were already in various stages of undress as onlookers shot pictures with their cell phones. I shook my head as we walked around them. I could never live without music, but the partying that went hand in hand with it wasn’t really my scene.

Long Neck was onstage singing a soulful ballad from the seventies titled “Missing My Misses,” so we weren’t in any danger of getting hurt from a mosh pit. Although I had no doubt that it would all change after the sun set.

“You all right?” I asked E as we followed behind Tucker. He nodded but did not look at me, and my heart sank a little, unable to keep up with his whiplash emotions.

We stopped walking as we reached the middle of the crowd. I slid up beside Cass and began to dance, getting lost in the music, my favorite escape. I didn’t want to think about Derek or E. My heart was being ripped in two, and I couldn’t be that girl. I had committed myself to Derek and I wasn’t going to screw that up. I needed to solve the problems within me first. I needed to figure out how to keep myself looking forward and not focused on the pain that sometimes threatened to consume me.

I always thought Derek was perfect because he accepted that I struggled with physical intimacy and he didn’t ask me about my sadness, but now that someone cared enough to know the truth, I wanted to tell the truth and finally set myself free from the cage I kept myself in.

AS NIGHT FELL the drinks continued to flow freely and the crowd became more amped with each set. I tried to focus my attention on Derek as Donna whispered into E’s ear and he laughed at whatever she had said. It was like a punch in the gut to see them being openly affectionate in public. I hated myself for wishing it were me who was making him laugh right now. Derek turned my necklace so the clasp was at the back of my neck. My fingers automatically went to the small star pendant that he had gotten for me. His lips were at my ear as his arms went around my waist and he pulled my back against him.

“My favorite rock star,” he whispered as his lips pressed against the side of my neck. I slid my hand back into his long hair, holding his lips to me. “Have you thought any more about going to Texas with me when this is over?”

I shrugged as I watched E, his back to me and Donna at his side, her hand on his back.

Derek turned me to face him, his eyes searching mine as he tucked my hair behind my ear. “I think it would be good for you to meet my family. Maybe we could . . . take the next step in our relationship.”

My mouth dropped open. Was he talking about getting engaged? Did he finally want to give me the commitment I so desperately craved from him? I felt sick, confused. Part of me wondered why he suddenly wanted to bring me into his family. Why was all of this happening now? Now that I was the one questioning my feelings? Derek was suddenly giving me what I had always thought I wanted, and E had made it very clear in the past that he didn’t want a family, or at least didn’t deserve one. So . . . what was I doing? How long could this go on? I would only be around E for another week and a half during this vacation, and then my life would go back to normal, or as normal as can be expected for someone in a band. Was I willing to throw it all away for a few days of fun? I realized he was still staring at me and waiting for my reaction.

“I’d like that.” I couldn’t muster much more. My voice cracked, but Derek didn’t seem to notice as he pulled me into his arms and hugged me.