A Song for Us

Chapter Thirty-Two

SARAH

I MADE MY WAY back to my room in a daze. The walls went up as I went into self-preservation mode. As I walked into the bedroom, my song blared on repeat through the tiny speakers on the desk. My eyes danced over the cramped space. I sank down into the chair at the desk and began to scribble down all of my pain, hoping the faster I wrote, the more I would bleed out on the paper and the less I’d have to really hurt myself.

I can be anyone but never myself, locked away like a china doll, kept prisoner on the shelf,

The words were too real, too painful even to write on paper. My mask had slipped and I could no longer keep the feelings at bay. I needed to let them come out or I would drown in my own sadness. I crawled into the center of the bed and pulled my knees to my chest as I let all of the memories and pain flood through me at once. My mother’s indifference to my sadness, Phil’s coldhearted remarks, his violating touch. I missed my father terribly and only wanted to have someone to share my feelings with. Jenny had been too young and didn’t understand why I was always so depressed. I didn’t understand myself why I couldn’t just be happy. Not until I found music was I able to release all of the hurt that I kept inside.

Exhaustion took over and I cried myself to sleep. I wasn’t sure if hours or just minutes had passed, but I awoke to the sound of the door opening. At first I panicked as I still had fresh memories of my childhood bedroom in my head, but as I looked around the room, I knew I was a thousand miles from the nightmare.

Not until I heard a soft, feminine giggle did I realize I had awoken to a whole new nightmare.

“Derek?” I called out, and the sound stopped as the door opened farther and Derek stepped inside with a redhead on his arm. I searched his face for some sort of answer that I already knew, but he just smiled, completely plastered.

“We need that bed,” he called out, and she laughed again as they stumbled in.

“Get her out of here now!” I pushed to my feet and balled my fists at my sides, but my whole body shook.

“You get the fuck out.” Any sign of happiness left his expression. “I paid for this room.”

I was gutted.

My song still played in the background as I shoved him hard against his chest, and he stumbled, the redhead swaying, but neither fell. They laughed in my face again as he held his arm firmly around her waist and pulled her past me to the bed.

“Why would you do this? Why?” I spun around but he didn’t bother to turn and look at me as he pulled his shirt over his head.

“You can’t be that fucking stupid.” He shook his head and finally turned to look me in the eye for a brief moment. “You barely let me touch you, Sarah. You think I was just going to live the rest of my life without—”

I couldn’t take it anymore and my hand flew up and I smacked him hard across his cheek. He stared at me with murder in his eyes, but they soon went vacant and he chuckled softly as his hand rubbed over his cheek.

“It’s not like this is the first time. Come on, don’t look so stunned. I figured you knew. Everyone else did.” He paused and met my gaze. “You know, it’s funny. As close as you were to E, I’m surprised he never told you.” Derek cocked his head to the side, smirking.

“He knew?”

“The whole time.”

My legs were no longer able to support me; that final blow was too much for me to handle. I turned and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it. I sank down to the floor. I had no one. There was no place for me to go. I was stuck, like my song, on repeat.

My eyes danced over the shower and I was no longer able to resist the urge to show Derek the pain that he had inflicted upon me. Maybe if he saw the fresh wounds, maybe then he would understand how much he was putting me through.