Incinerate

Chapter 15

Charlie

PART OF me is still reeling from seeing Drew while out with Knox, but if I’m honest with myself, I know that’s not why I’ve been feeling so out of sorts since we left the pub. When Knox drew me into his body and pretended I was his, it took everything in me not to melt into his embrace. I truly thought he was going to kiss me outside the pub, and I’ve been disappointed ever since that he didn’t. Thank God I didn’t close my eyes and lean in for it. Now that we’re sitting here side by side, I’m praying that he finally opens up to me. There’s something in there. Something he’s obviously been holding in for a very long time. And as I sit here with his hand in mine, I want to be the person he trusts enough to vent to. I’m hoping that by opening up to him, he’ll feel like he can reciprocate.

The only people who know the full story about what happened with Drew and me are Lucy and Dad. Everyone else has made their own assumptions of what he did for me to end the engagement, and I’d rather be a part of the rumor mill than be subjected to sympathetic looks from my coworkers because they know my fiancé stepped out on me.

After seeing Drew in the pub, I was a little humiliated having to be rescued by Knox, but the worst part is that, for a split second, I imagined that what he was saying was true. That he really can’t get enough of me. So when we were listening to the band and he asked, it just felt natural to tell him the whole truth about it. And I’m glad I did, especially if it helps him open up to me. I won’t lie. The way his jaw clenched as a pissed-off look crossed his face when I shared about Drew cheating sent a fluttering in my stomach. I don’t know if he’s feeling protective because he’s becoming a friend or if it’s something more than that.

Rubbing his face with his opposite hand, he lets out a long sigh. He’s staring out at the water when he begins to speak.

“It’s a long fucking story,” he starts. “And I’ve never told anyone the entire thing.”

Squeezing his hand, I watch as his jaw clenches, his cheekbones tightening. Without thinking, I follow his lead from earlier and lean in, pressing my lips against his cheek. My lips find his ear and I have to stop myself from taking the lobe in between my teeth.

“First time for everything, Knox,” I whisper, taking a page out of his book, getting up close and personal. If he can put his lips on me, I can do the same, and you bet your ass I will. This is a dangerous game we’re both playing, and I have no doubt that we’re bound to get burned.

Pulling away, I gaze out into the water, the same as him. He lets out a long breath, and I brace myself for his confession. Lexi warned me that there was something in his past, and I’m still somewhat shocked that he’s actually opening up.

“Well, you met Evelyn. I guess I’ll start there. Long story short, she was my sixteenth birthday present. Both my parents come from old money, and Dad owns a consulting firm in Nashville. My entire life they’ve been all about flash. Dad gave me the car more to show up his friends rather than to give me what I wanted. Even though Mom was all about the next society function, we’d always been close when I was growing up, but it devastated her when I enlisted. Long story short, when I joined the Army, I was pretty much cut off from my family, and Evelyn was all I had. I could’ve traded her in for cash to get by on, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

After growing up with Dad, I have no idea how a family wouldn’t support one of their own, and I wonder if anyone besides Cohen even came to visit him when he was in the hospital. It isn’t until now that I realize that we’ve never talked about our families. He only knows about Dad and I only know about Cohen.

“I never intended on joining the military. Growing up, the plan was always to attend a top notch school and then join my dad’s business. That was what was in the cards for me, no matter what. That’s what he wanted for all his boys. Until it all blew up in smoke.”

He pauses, and I try my hardest to remain impassive. I can’t imagine him as a businessman, although I can picture how sexy he’d look in a three-piece suit.

“I met Megan freshman year of high school. Since I went to private school, our classes were pretty small. She’d moved to Belle Meade halfway through the school year, and when she walked into my Lit class, I knew I wanted her, as much as a fourteen-year-old boy can.” He pauses, smiling, I’m guessing, at the memory. “There was just something about her. She was beautiful, but she had a shy sweetness that made me want to get to know her. Naturally I took it upon myself to become her tour guide, both at school and in town. It wasn’t long before we were inseparable, and we stayed that way until we graduated, with plans of going away to school together. She’d gotten into UT, but I was on the waitlist. I’d slacked off a bit my last two years of school. I spent a little too much time partying and not enough time studying because I didn’t care. I already knew I had a job lined up, so I didn’t take school seriously. And it was a huge mistake. The biggest mistake of my life.”

Letting go of my hand, he wipes both of his on his jeans before he scoots down from the table top to the bench. Still staring out at the water, he places his arm on my thigh, his index finger tapping my knee.

“The day after graduation, I was dropping by my older brother Branson’s place in the city. He was in his third year at UT. His last semester had just ended and he was interning at Dad’s firm. I thought it was kind of odd when I got a text from him asking me to come over because we were never really close, but I went anyway.” Sighing, he stops tapping, his hand now just resting on my knee.

“When I got there, he opened the door like everything was fine. And it was—until sixty seconds later when Megan walked out of his bedroom, wearing nothing but his shirt.”

Unable to stop the gasp the escapes me, I slide down and straddle the bench, facing him.

“She was sleeping with your brother?” I ask, wondering what kind of girl—and brother for that matter—would do something like that.

He doesn’t turn to face me when he continues, and I watch as his eyes close for a split second before he shakes his head, as if he’s trying to shake the memory away. I’m trying to figure out what he’s feeling as he’s recalling the memory, but looking at him from the side, I can’t read him.

“Yep, and he wanted me to know it. At first I was in shock, trying to find some reason, some excuse, but it was right in front of me. And the shock turned to devastation, which then turned to anger.”

“I can’t even imagine how you felt. I mean, walking in on Drew was awful, but your own brother?”

“Honestly, I don’t even know that it surprised me that he’d do it, but her? I don’t know. I guess I’d put her so high on a pedestal that I never imagined a scenario where she’d completely destroy my heart, but I guess I was wrong.”

Finishing the story, he tells me about how she wanted someone goal-oriented and career-minded, and that was his brother, not him. Growing up, I always wanted siblings, and I thought I was missing out on a special bond. I can’t even begin to imagine how that betrayal must’ve hurt, not only from the woman you love but your own flesh and blood, too. My heart’s breaking for him, even though this happened so long ago. The fact that everyone in his family except for Cohen turned their backs on him when he left breaks it even more.

“So that’s it. I guess we’re two peas in a really shitty pod. Damn, it kinda felt good to get all that out for once,” he says, standing up from the bench.

Joining him, I loop my elbow through his arm and we begin walking back towards the parking lot. “I guess we are. But there’s nothing that says it has to stay that way, you know? Not everyone’s a cheater.”

“I haven’t bothered to find out. I haven’t dated anyone since her,” he tells me. While I shouldn’t be surprised, I can’t help the feeling.

“You haven’t dated anyone since you graduated high school? Not a single person, not even casually?”

We’ve made it to the car, and he holds my door open for me. When he goes around to his side and slides in, he looks over at me. “Nope, no one. I had a long time to stew on what happened during boot camp and my EOD training. The more I thought about it, the more I decided that love wasn’t for me. I don’t see how you could say you love someone for four years and then all the sudden decide to sleep with someone else. If that’s love, I don’t want any part of it. And the casual bullshit is just that. Bullshit. It may start that way, but it just gets complicated later on.”

I knew he was jaded, but I didn’t realize he was that much against relationships. “Knox, you guys were kids. Love means something totally different when you’re that age. You can’t swear it off based on one experience.”

“Oh yeah? How’d the whole love thing work out for you and the professor?” Ouch. He’s got me there, but damn that was a low blow.

I tell myself he’s just feeling a bit of bitterness after recounting what happened between him and Megan, but the conversation has been officially killed with that comment. Leaning back against the seat, I stare out the window for the rest of the ride home.

Knox

NOT WANTING to listen to her tell me why I shouldn’t give up on love, my inner asshole came out, effectively shutting her up until I pull into the garage. This is definitely not how I planned on the night going, but I wasn’t lying when I said it had actually felt good to talk to someone about Megan. Turning the car off, I grab her arm when she goes to get out.

“Sorry, sweetheart. I meant what I said, but it came out harsher than I expected.”

I’m relieved when she smiles at me. “Don’t worry about it, Knox. Message received, loud and clear. You don’t do love. I get it,” she says, pulling away from me.

When we get in the house, she throws her purse on the table beside the door, something that drives me nuts. For the past eleven years, I’ve been used to order, and I hate when things are out of place. It’s irrational, but I figure the Army’s drilled it into me so much that I can’t help it. I’m still trying to get used to living with someone, especially a chick.

She heads straight back to her bedroom, before reappearing in an oversized t-shirt and a pair of comfortable shorts. I’ve learned that she hates lounging around the house in regular clothes, so she’s always changing the moment she walks in the door. She lives in t-shirts and those hot little yoga pants that show off her ass. I’m all about a girl that dresses up, but the comfortable look on Charlie is sexier than anything else, and even though I try not to, I always notice when she changes.

Grabbing a couple of beers, I join her in the living room, where she’s going through the Netflix queue. I hand her one, and she gives me a smile. Yeah, I’m definitely getting used to this. Having her here, comfortable, on my couch, in my house, in my life. I find myself hoping that she decides to stay when her friend gets back in a few weeks.

“Archer or Arrested Development?” she asks, and I go for the first choice. Settling back in on the couch, we spend the next couple of hours laughing at Sterling Archer and the rest of ISIS, with light conversation here and there. Neither one of us brings up our exes again; I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

Around midnight she can barely keep her eyes open. I’m somewhat disappointed when she decides to call it a night. Leaning over, she surprises me by giving me a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks for tonight, Knox. I had a great time. And I appreciate you listening to me spill about Drew.”

“Hey, what kind of pretend boyfriend would I be if I didn’t give you a shoulder to lean on?” I grin at her and have to duck from the pillow she throws at me.

“I guess I should say thanks for that, too. You didn’t have to do that, but I appreciate it.”

“I’ll be your pretend man any time you want, sweetheart.”

She’s laughing, and I hope she knows I mean it. “I’ll keep that in mind.” She turns to leave but stops when she gets to the hallway. Looking back at me, I can tell there’s more she wants to say. “I think you’re looking at it the wrong way. It wasn’t a mistake. Not even close. I think it was a gift. Imagine if you’d ended up married to her and she later on decided you weren’t enough. Look how close I was to coming to what really would’ve been the biggest mistake of my life. Be thankful she got away, Knox. I know I am.”

With that she leaves me alone in the living room. I process her words, repeating them in my mind over and over, almost like a mantra. I didn’t tell Charlie about Megan showing up at the hospital, but she basically hit the nail on the head anyway. And she’s right. It’s a fucking gift that I didn’t end up with her, and I need to start looking at it that way.