Incinerate

Chapter 36

Charlie

IT’S BEEN two days since that day in the hospital. Two days since I told Knox I love him. Two days that I’ve been trying not to regret it. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I told him. I couldn’t keep the words inside any longer, and I wanted—I needed—him to hear it from me. There was just something about being there in the hospital that made me tell him. And I’m glad I did—well, I was.

When he came back from getting coffee, Dad was still asleep. He quietly slipped into the room and didn’t say a word. At first I thought he was trying to be silent for Dad’s sake, but after trying to talk to him and getting one words answers, I realized there was something more to it.

I didn’t think he saw Drew, and I knew I should tell him that he had stopped by. At the time, though, it wasn’t a conversation I wanted to get into right in the middle of the hospital. I figured I’d tell him later when we got home, but I chickened out, not wanting to mess with his already weird mood. As a result, it’s been two days of him spending hours in the gym. Two days of him barely touching me. Two long, torturous days that have me walking on eggshells, trying not to say the wrong thing.

He comes with me every time to the hospital, where Olivia and I hover over Dad, but he sits in the corner, reading War and Peace, which is exactly what he’s doing now.

Watching him, I’m wondering how I can fix this. I can feel him pulling away from me, and it’s scaring the shit out of me. I’m terrified that I spoke too soon, that he wasn’t ready to hear it, and that maybe I was being selfish in my need to say it. He’s been speaking to his mom every week or so, and he even went and had lunch with his parents before we left for Florida. I guess I thought that since he was patching things up with them, maybe—maybe—he’d be ready to really put a lid on the past. On Megan. But maybe I was wrong, and the fact that he’s shutting himself in again is making me extremely nervous. I’m already teetering over the edge.

The doctor comes in, ready to give Dad one last checkup before possibly releasing him. I sit beside Knox, but he doesn’t look away from the book when I do.

“I thought you had no desire to keep reading that,” I say, remembering the night he told me about his and Jace’s bet. Smiling, I recall the sheepish grin that crossed his face as he admitted he was afraid I’d get mad. I just laughed it off, because I honestly didn’t care, and in the long run, I benefited from it just as much as he did.

He shrugs, pretending to be engrossed in the book. “I don’t like not finishing something I started.”

And that’s it. That’s all I get. And I hate it. I’m tired of the clipped sentences, the constant wondering what’s bothering him, the fear that he’s going to wake up tomorrow and decide that he’s done. That it’s too much for him and he’s going to do to me what he did to them—shut me out completely when he decides this isn’t what he wants. That I’m not what he wants.

“Did I do something to piss you off?” I ask quietly, not being able to stand it anymore, but not wanting to make a scene.

He closes the book and looks at me, jaw tight. “I don’t know, sweetheart, did you?” And there it is. The initial I’m-trying-to-annoy-you sweetheart. Instead of trying to be cautious, my blood boils, and I have to remember where I am. I’m about to fly off the handle.

“Don’t do that, Knox. Don’t you dare take something that’s become sweet between us and use it to be an asshole. I don’t know what I did to bother you, but I’d appreciate it if you’d tell me instead of shutting me out,” I snap, watching as he clenches his teeth. The skin over his cheekbones tightens, and a shadow fills his eyes, creating a look I can’t decipher.

“This isn’t the time or the place, Charlie,” he tells me. “We’ll talk about this later.”

“Yeah, like I haven’t heard those words before. It’s never the right time or place for you, Knox.”

Before he can say anything, I hear the doctor giving Dad the all clear and instructing a nurse to start the release process. Knox gets up and makes a comment about meeting me downstairs, giving Dad privacy. I should be thrilled right now, but all I can think about is the brooding man beside me. I don’t want to discuss this later. I’m not sure I can wait that long. Then again, I want to put it off because I’m afraid I’m about to get my heart broken and I know it’s going to hurt so much worse this time around.

When Olivia’s finally wheeling Dad out of the hospital, much to his displeasure, I find Knox leaning against the outside wall, keys in hand. He watches as we get Dad into Olivia’s car and I wheel the chair back inside. Coming back out, I go over to Knox, but he doesn’t look at me.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but please, stop acting like this. I miss you, Rugged. Don’t shut me out,” I plead, hoping I don’t sound desperate. Not wanting him to say anything, I lean up on my toes and press a soft kiss to his lips. I’ve missed them, too. I want to deepen it, to feel that he does care about me, even if he can’t say it, but instead I pull away. “I’m going with Olivia to help get Dad settled in. I’ll be home later and we’ll talk then, okay?”

I’m about to move away when he grabs ahold of my hand and pulls me in close. He places a kiss on my lips, and my heart constricts when he speaks. “Okay, sweetheart. I’ll be waiting,” he says softly, and this time? This time I get sweet. My Rugged. Hot and cold.

As I watch him cross the parking lot and get in his car, I wonder just how much more of this roller coaster I can take before I finally break down and have to get off the ride.

IT’S DARK when Olivia finally drops me off, promising to keep me posted on Dad. I have to say that I don’t envy her right now. He was already bitching up a storm when he saw his refrigerator full of leafy vegetables and colorful fruits in the spot where his six-pack usually goes. I can only imagine how badly their heads are going to butt. Unfortunately for him, I don’t think he stands a chance against her, and it makes me feel so much better that he’s in capable hands.

Unlocking the door, I let myself in. After a couple of minutes, I realize Knox isn’t here. So much for waiting. My heart sinks, and even though I didn’t expect him to just wait around for me all night, I can’t help but feel disappointed.

Going into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine, I look outside and can barely make out Knox’s figure on the back deck. I’m relieved when I see him. Taking a deep breath, I know I can’t put this off any longer. Grabbing my wine, I head outside, hoping I’m strong enough to take whatever’s coming.

When I slide the door open, I can hear the guitar playing, but it’s the words that stop me in my tracks. The familiar chords of “Say Something” fill the otherwise silent air, and my heart plummets as I hear him singing about giving up, saying goodbye. I’m frozen in the doorway, and he still hasn’t noticed me. Tears prick my eyes at the implications of what he’s singing, and I know now that it’s over. It’s not until he sings the words about saying goodbye that a small sob escapes. I hurry to brush away the tears, not wanting him to see the evidence of my impending breakdown.

He stops playing and motions for me to sit in the chair next to him. “I didn’t hear Olivia drop you off. How’s your dad?” he asks, sounding so normal. Like nothing is wrong. It’s confusing, frustrating.

Swallowing hard, I take a deep breath, not sure if I can do this. Make small talk when I know what’s about to happen. “He’s Dad. More irritated by all the attention than what actually happened. I feel bad for Olivia having to deal with him.”

I can barely see the small smile cross his lips. I’m wishing it wasn’t so dark, because I need to see him. To read his expressions. “I think she’ll be able to handle him just fine.”

We sit in silence for a few minutes until it becomes too much to bear. “What’s going on, Knox? Why are you pulling away from me? You’ve been acting weird ever since I told you how I feel, and maybe you weren’t ready, but I’m not sorry for saying it.”

I’m holding my breath, waiting for him to respond. Setting his guitar down, he turns to face me, but all I can see are dark shadows on his face. “You think this is about you telling me you love me?” he asks, and I’m more than confused.

“That’s the only explanation I can come up. Nothing else has happened, and we’ve only been here, the hospital, and the gym since then. I can’t think of any other reason for you to be acting this way, for you to be shutting me out. And I can kind of get it. The last time someone said those words to you, she betrayed you in the worst way possible. But I’m not her. I’m not Megan.”

I watch as he swallows hard, rubbing his hand over his head. “This has nothing to do with Megan. I know you’re not her. There’s no fucking comparison there, and I’m over what happened to me in the past. But what I don’t know is if you are. I saw you with him. I read your lips. Right after his lips had been on yours. You can’t love us both, Charlie.”

My heart stops, and while I could be kicking myself for not having said something sooner, I decide to get angry. We’ve been over this. He promised me that he trusted me, but apparently he doesn’t. So I don’t get sad. I don’t get disappointed. I don’t start weeping or begging for his forgiveness. No, I get pissed. Really fucking pissed. And right now, all I see is freaking red.

Knox

I CAN’T believe she thinks my issue stems from her telling me she loves me. Well, okay, I can, and I know I should’ve told her sooner what was bothering me. It’s just that the more I’ve had time dwell on it, the more I’ve convinced myself that she isn’t over her ex. I saw how teary-eyed she got at the wedding, and it scares me that it wasn’t from the vows but from the reminder that she was supposed to be the one with a ring on her finger, walking down the aisle, saying her vows. I know that’s the future she wants, and I’ve never let her know that I want that, too. So instead of being an adult and just telling her what’s on my mind, I’ve reverted back to the asshole I was when we first met, trying somehow to salvage that wall around my heart, hoping to have some protection when she tells me she’s going back to him.

“Are you crazy?!” she exclaims, practically screeching as she flies out of her chair. It catches me off guard because my girl doesn’t screech.

“I know what I saw, Charlie,” is all I can say. It sounds lame, even to me. Rising to my feet, I’m almost instantly pushed back when she crosses to me, poking me in the chest.

“For your information, what you saw was Drew letting me go. What you saw was him realizing that I love you more than I ever did him. What you saw was me saying I’d love him as a friend. That was it! He stopped by to check on Dad, and me, because we spent years together, Knox. I’m not like you. I know how to forgive. I don’t permanently shut out those who hurt me. So yeah, I accepted his apology and I’m over it. Now, I’m not saying I’m going to be sending him Christmas cards every year, but I won’t turn and run away when I see him on campus.”

I know she’s still talking, but I can’t get past the whole she-loves-me-more-than-she-ever-did-him part. And in that moment, I get the sinking feeling that I just royally fucked up, much more than I ever have before with her.

“Sweetheart—” I begin, but she cuts me off.

“Don’t you dare ‘sweetheart’ me right now. I can already see it by the look on your face that you’ve just realized what an ass you are, but don’t even think about apologizing. I don’t want your ‘I’m sorry.’ I don’t need to hear that you were wrong, it was just a misunderstanding, or any other excuse from you.”

“I’m not—” Again, she doesn’t let me get more than two words out.

“I don’t want any of that. You know what I do want? Your trust. Your respect. Your love. I want you to trust that I love you. That you’re the only man for me and no one else comes close. I want you to respect me to make my own decisions when it comes to how I handle my past relationships. I want you to love me, to love me more fiercely, more deeply, more passionately than you’ve ever loved anything in your life. I want you to love me to the point that you can’t breathe when I’m not around, so much so that you can’t imagine a minute of your life without me in it. Because, Knox, that’s the way that I love you.”

Her voice starts to get shaky, and she takes a deep breath before she lifts her chin, looking directly into my eyes. I can see the tears forming in her own, but by will of what I’m guessing is sheer force, she doesn’t let them fall.

“But you don’t, do you? I actually think you do love me, but you’re too scared to admit it. And that’s okay. I don’t need you to say the words out loud for me to know what’s in your heart, because I can feel it. But that’s not enough. You don’t trust me, no matter how many times I have to tell you that you’re the only one I want. And I won’t build a relationship without trust. I can’t—I won’t—be with someone who doesn’t trust me, no matter much it hurts to say goodbye.”

My mind’s reeling, trying to process what the hell she’s saying, but by the time I can formulate any words, she’s already walking away.

“You say you’re over it, but I’m not sure you are. Figure it out, Knox. I won’t wait around forever,” she says, and with that, she goes inside, leaving me alone in the dark, trying to figure out where the hell it all went wrong. Nothing about this has to do with Megan. It has to do with the fact that another man was kissing her. Yeah, maybe I should’ve asked about it instead of acting like an idiot, but how the fuck was I supposed to ask the girl I love if she’s still in love with her ex?

When I walk inside a few minutes later, Charlie’s heading down the hall towards the front door with an overnight bag. My heart plummets, and I can’t believe we’re here. She’s leaving and she’s taking my heart with her.

Stopping her as she passes by me, I pull her in, and while she doesn’t wrap her arms around me, she doesn’t move away. “You don’t need to leave, sweetheart. We can work this out.”

Shaking her head, she pulls out of my embrace. It isn’t until she’s halfway out the door that she turns back and looks at me. “No, Knox. Until you work things out yourself, I don’t think we can.” And just like that, I’m alone. I already fucking miss her. I should go after her, fight for her, tell her that I do love her, I do trust her. But like she said, I need to respect her, respect that this is what she wants. My heart’s pounding and my mind’s screaming to run after her, but I don’t. Instead, I watch her go, wondering how in the hell I’m going to fix this.